Low-waisters

Attention please, all dedicated female fashionistas
Listen up young ladies, here’s a message for you sisters

It currently may be in vogue for waistlines to hang low
And for navels and their piercings to be blatently on show

But if you choose to wear your jeans slung down around your hips
I urge you, show some self-restraint when tucking into chips

Stick strictly to a regimen of fruit and veg that’s fresh
For nothing’s less attractive than the sight of too much flesh

You may believe you’re beautiful as down the road you strut
Displaying for the world to see, the horror of your gut

But it's really quite revolting to be showing off your fat
In jeans designed for skinny girls with tummies taught and flat

And when those jeans are worn with heels on which you’re forced to hobble
The result is just an increase in your lumber-region wobble

So if you have no will-power and you feel you must indulge
Show some consideration, please, and cover up your bulge

Fire Blanket

Fire blanket, fire blanket
You save my life

Fire blanket, fire blanket
I’m one lucky wife

Fire blanket, fire blanket
You saved us all

When the chip-pan exploded
into a fire ball

Fire blanket, fire blanket
My lesson is learnt

Fire blanket, fire blanket
My eyebrows are burnt

Fire blanket, fire blanket
If I want food that’s greasy

I’ll go to the chip-shop
’cos it’s safer and easy

Porn Story

I’m busy doing housework; I’m in my baby-doll
I’ve started mildly sweating as the effort takes its toll

My next job is to wash the floors; I grab my mop and bucket
But suddenly I’m soaking wet and screaming out, ‘Oh fuck it!’

The kitchen tap has sprung a leak as I stand at the sink
It’s fast I need to act and on my feet I need to think

I grab the phone and make the call; somehow I know the number
This is a situation that requires an on-call plumber

‘Help me, please! I’ve sprung a leak and need emergency plumbing!’
The deep voice at the other end says, ‘Don’t worry, love, I’m coming.’

Miraculously, he’s at the door as I hang up the phone
And as I bid him entry I can see he’s got a bone.

‘It’s for my dog,’ he tells me, as my mind he easily reads
And as I look him up and down, I know he’ll meet my needs.

‘When you called me I was at the butcher’s round the corner.
It’s my day off, so it’s double-time, I feel I ought to warn ya.’

‘I don’t care what it costs,’ I lie, ‘you have to fix my leak.’
And as he straps his tool-belt on, I feel my knees go weak.

‘Is it very warm in here?’ I innocently ask,
As in his muscled glory I allow myself to bask.

‘It is a bit,’ he says, then asks, ‘may I remove my top?’
‘Oh please, feel free!’ I say too fast and hope he doesn’t stop.

I grab a cloth and dab the perspiration from my neck,
I shouldn’t really think the way I do, but what the heck!

I watch in awe as he unsheathes a length of copper piping
And notice as he looks towards my cleavage that I’m wiping.

‘I’d like to help,’ I offer, ‘shall I hold your tool, perhaps?’
But I get too close and brush against his arm with both my baps.

The tension is too much; I see his pupils are dilating
Then suddenly we’re on the kitchen table, fornicating.

He’s doing me in doggie-style; he’s got me on all fours
And from this fresh perspective I can see my unwashed floors.

I offer some encouragement as I go ‘ahh’ and ‘ooh’
‘Fuck me hard and do to me whatever you must do’

I’m starting to enjoy it as our rhythm finds its pace
But out he’s pulled and spun me round; now he’s cumming on my face!

I feel a little cheated as I didn’t climax yet
I feel a little stupid as my eyelashes are wet

I try to keep things in the mood, but it’s over, I suppose
And I don’t feel very sexy, ’cos I’ve got spunk up my nose

The job is done; my leak is fixed; he’s put away his tools.
It was just a lusty interlude for two hot and horny fools

That night I take my diary from the drawer in which it's hid
I write: ‘Today a plumber screwed me. He charged me three hundred quid!’

Anal Sex

May I speak of anal sex?
For it’s a topic quite complex

There are those who’ve yet to try it
And those who have, but yet deny it

For some, it’s simply too taboo
The anus stays reserved for pooh

While others, it appears, were born
To re-enact a scene from porn

And some whose sphincters stand as sentry
Lest a penis make its entry

For on its exit there’s the fear
That bits of sweet corn may appear

But some relax and gladly loosen
And let their anal passage juicen

Allowing penile penetration
And relishing risqué sensation

For them, their arse holds buried treasure
And untold depths of plundered pleasure

But mine is not the place to judge
If your knickers hold a tell-tale smudge

Whether you do, or whether you don’t
I don’t care if you will or won’t

So analyse this by component
I’m neither contra nor proponent

And if my poem caused you shock
Stay missionary when taking cock

But if my poem made you titter
Perhaps you take it up the shitter